Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
you didnt know i had herpes?
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Randomize
