the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
