I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
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