If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
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