My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Randomize