When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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