Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
It was a blind-side dick pic.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
