I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
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