Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
