How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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