and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
