The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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