Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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