I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
