I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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