she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
