i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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