another moral hangover. fuck.
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Randomize
