I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
