Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
