I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
