party is dying down. we just wrote whore in the yard with gas. Photos to come.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
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