Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
