Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
