Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Randomize
