True but thats because hes a fetus.
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Randomize
