Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
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