Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
