THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Randomize
