A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
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