got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
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