fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize
