my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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