I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
