why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
My ATM looks so different sober.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
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