I think im going to throw up on grandma
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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