i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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