I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
