It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
