Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
