someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
