I need to stop coming to work sober
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Randomize
