Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I AM VODKA MAN
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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