Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
