Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
So much Jack, so little girl.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
