did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
