you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Randomize