You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Randomize
