dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
he fucked my hip out of place.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
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