You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Randomize
