too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
