Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
Randomize
