im drinking this country out of the recession.
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
we need to get ahold of those "sexting" teens on tyra. HAWT!
wasnt one 13?
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Randomize
