If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
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