I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
