youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
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