I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
