I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
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I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
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I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
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