Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
