PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
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