Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
