capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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